HBM
by I'm Just Drawn That Way
Summary: It's Remus's birthday, and Sirius gets a little carried away celebrating it. How does everyone's favorite werewolf respond to all the attention? RLSB slash, M to be on the safe side. One-shot. Written in honor of Remus's 48th birthday, 3/10/08.


Title: Happy Birthday, Moony

_A/N: I took a short break from my longer story-in-process (Hermione Granger and the Sleepless Nights) to write this one-shot in honor of Remus John Lupin's 48th birthday (March 10, 2008). Felena1971 and I essentially wrote this together, brainstorming plot ideas and laughing our asses off. She's also working on a Remus b-day fic of her own, please check it out, too!_

* * *

Remus John Lupin struggled toward consciousness from a deep sleep, achieving the transition at about the same rate his cock was becoming engorged. By the time he was conscious enough to know for certain that no, he was NOT dreaming, and there was, in fact, a mouth wrapped around his phallus, he was fully and spectacularly erect. He groaned loudly, and reached his hands toward his pelvis to find the silky long hair of Sirius Black.

Was it even morning? He cracked open one eye. The faint light coming through the gaps in the hangings of his four-poster told him it was barely dawn. What the hell was Sirius Black, notorious lay-about, doing awake at the butt-crack of dawn, treating him to a wake-up blowjob? And then it became abundantly clear, as Sirius, mouthful of cock notwithstanding, began to hum a familiar tune.

"Hmmm hm hmmm hm hm hmmmmm, Hmmm hm hmmm hm hm hmmmmm

Hmmm hm hmmm hm hm hmmmm hmmmmmm, Hmmm hm hmmm hm hm hmmmmmm!"

The vibration of the humming danced up and down Remus's shaft, and tickled his balls. He laughed for sheer joy, and when Sirius started humming the song over again, Remus joined in as well as he could through his gasps and moans.

"Happy Birth- ahhh!-day, to me,

Happy Birthday, to- Ohhhhh!- me!"

By the time they were halfway through the third round, Remus was shooting his wad into his boyfriend's mouth and crying out his name.

Sirius wiped his chin on his shoulder, and crawled up the bed to plant a kiss on the werewolf's full lips. "Happy Birthday, Moony," he sighed. "I hope you have an absolutely perfect day."

"It's off to a great start," laughed Remus, pulling Sirius into a bone-crushing hug.

* * *

In the Dining Hall, Remus was about to dig into his breakfast, when Sirius snatched his plate away from him.

"What the… Sirius, I'm hungry!" Then, more quietly, "What way is that to treat the birthday boy? I thought you wanted my day to be perfect?"

"Keep your shirt on, man! I'll give this back to you in a minute. Well, on second thought, feel free to take your shirt off." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Remus chuckled, and went back to his coffee. Just then, the beat of wings signaled the arrival of the post. A tawny owl flew directly over the Marauders and dropped a large, square package in front of Remus. He was distracted from Sirius and from his hunger while he opened it.

"Birthday present from Mum and Dad!" He tore at the packaging. "Whoa – a phonograph record from America! Dixieland Jazz, from New Orleans. I can't wait to play it!"

Just as Sirius was about done with his work, he noticed Severus Snape walking by on his way to the Slytherin table. The two boys could never resist the opportunity to antagonize each other, so Snape slowed down to peer over Sirius's shoulder at his creation – he'd drawn letters on Remus's pancakes with syrup, and was busy dusting them with confectioner's sugar for an artistic effect.

"Practicing your letters this morning, Black? Your parents must be so proud that you're finally getting them down."

"They're for Remus, you git. Shove off."

"HBM? What does it stand for? Half-Blood Mongrel?" Snape's lips curled into a sneer; he was obviously pleased with his own cleverness.

"I said shove off, Snivellus, before I 'Confringo' your balls!"

Snape made an involuntary protective movement with his school robes, and resumed his trajectory toward the Slytherin table.

Sirius put the finishing touches on his creation, and placed it in front of Remus, crying, "Happy Birthday, Moony!"

Remus shook his head in amusement. "Thanks, Sirius. Can I eat it now?"

"Can I lick off any sugar that gets stuck on your face?"

"Here?! In the Dining Hall? You're out of your mind, Pads."

Sirius pouted.

"There, now that's what I need for my birthday," Remus chuckled. "You're too adorable when you pout." That made Sirius smile again, and he kept on grinning while Remus finished his breakfast.

Sadly, Remus insisted on cleaning his face with a napkin. But he did seem to enjoy the pancakes, and Sirius felt good that he was helping make Remus's birthday a special one.

And, to make the day even better, Sirius had one more surprise before they headed to classes. "Look what I made you, Moony!"

Remus looked down at the badge Sirius had just pinned to his robes. It was heart-shaped, and flashed the letters HBM in red and gold. He sighed, "Oh Merlin – how… creative. I hope it doesn't fall off my robes. You know… accidentally."

"Great idea, Moony," said Sirius, and attached the badge with a permanent sticking charm. He stepped back to admire his handiwork once more, and missed Remus's pained expression.

* * *

As the Marauders walked into their first class of the day, double Transfiguration with the Hufflepuffs, Alice White gestured to the badge. "What's that stand for, Remus? Hot Blooded Male?"

"No," said Clare Nigro, "it's Handsome Brilliant Man, I bet."

"It's Happy Birthday Moony," Sirius informed them, proudly.

"Oh! Happy Birthday, Remus," they chorused, both standing on tiptoe and planting birthday kisses on his cheeks.

"Mr. Lupin, if you are done causing a distraction in my classroom, I'd like to start today's lesson!" Minerva McGonagall's voice was severe, but the sparkle in her eyes told Remus he was not in trouble. He blushed, and took his between Sirius and James.

"Good morning, class! Today, we will…" Professor McGonagall stopped in mid-sentence.

When the students turned to see what had distracted their generally businesslike professor, those in the seats closest to the door started laughing immediately. Remus was sitting in the back (Sirius always insisted, as it was better for passing notes), so he had to stand to see what was so funny.

A house-elf stood in the doorway with an enormous bouquet of red tulips, and a note. Once the room quieted down again, he read in his squeaky voice, "For Remus Lupin." Remus tried (quite unsuccessfully, it must be noted) to melt into the floor, but all heads turned toward him. The house-elf brought the flowers to him, bowed deeply, and then squeakily began to sing the Happy Birthday song. His classmates were laughing so loudly that Remus couldn't even hear the last half of the serenade. Then, with a loud popping noise, the elf was gone. McGonagall's lips were pressed together in a thin line, and Remus couldn't tell if it was because she was angry, or because she was trying very hard not to laugh.

Humiliated as he was by all the ridiculous attention, Remus did love tulips. He read the note card that accompanied them: "To Moony from Padfoot: Happy Birthday!" To his left, Sirius was grinning.

To his right, James was hastily scribbling a note and passing it over. "Hey Moony," it read, "What's sexier than roses on a piano?" Remus shrugged, and James motioned for him to read the back of the note. He flipped it, to find the punch line: "Two-lips on an organ!" James, the git, shook with silent laughter. Remus rolled his eyes and wished he could crawl under his desk and never come out.

* * *

Between Transfiguration and Charms, Remus took the opportunity to run up to his dormitory and place the tulips in a vase on his bedside table, so he didn't have to carry them around all day. On the way, he ran into Peeves, who threw confetti all over him, singing, "Happy Birthday to You, Loony Lupin's cuckoo, You look like a wolfie, and you smell like one's poo!"

Remus cursed (which he did only rarely) and shook confetti out of his hair. He had a hunch who had let Peeves know it was his birthday.

* * *

Having fielded more speculation about his badge through the rest of the morning and into lunch ("Had a Bad Morning?" suggested a pretty sixth-year Ravenclaw, to which Remus replied darkly, "Having Black Murdered…"), Remus had stuffed his robes into his book bag and hoped to leave them there all day.

Sadly, the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor insisted on proper student attire, so after lunch, Remus was forced to don his robes once more – which now sported the flashing HBM badge AND wrinkles. Sadder still, Remus had the horrible feeling he was experiencing a recurrent nightmare when a second house-elf interrupted the Defense lesson to bring him a large, heart-shaped box of chocolates, and (groan!) sing Happy Birthday. The card on the box said the gift was from Sirius, of course, who grinned at him again. Remus could only look in horror at his boyfriend and wonder if he had lost his mind. James and Peter snickered loudly, but then both asked Remus if he would share his candies. He scowled at them. He didn't like to share chocolate with anyone, especially supposed friends who laughed at his public embarrassment.

* * *

The last class of the day was Potions, with the Slytherins. As he took his seat at the worktable with the rest of the Marauders (shaking more confetti out of his hair, as Peeves had found him again), the Slytherin girls at the next table pointed at Remus's badge. "Heavenly-Bodied Marauder?" asked one, unmistakably flirtatious. "Hard Big Member!" a second suggested lustily. "Horny, Beautiful, Muscular," chimed in the third, in a wistful sort of way. "Horrible Bowel Movement," muttered Remus through clenched teeth, before burying his head in his arms on the table. Sirius hissed at the girls, "He's Bloody Mine!"

When Professor Slughorn was interrupted early in the class period by yet another house-elf, this one bearing a gift of a lovely peacock-feather quill and (naturally) singing Happy Birthday (quite off-key), Remus wished only that he were dead. Sirius still seemed utterly pleased with himself, and James and Peter laughed so hard Remus thought they might wet their pants. It would serve the idiots right if they did: see how they like a bit of social humiliation.

* * *

By the time Remus had survived through supper (no house-elf deliveries, and he'd once again stuffed his robes into his book bag, but he did have to endure a significant amount of attention as stories from earlier in the day were told and retold), he wanted nothing more than to be alone. "I'm going to the library," he told Sirius, James, and Peter (and not in the nicest tone of voice), and he stalked off.

"Happy Birthday to You, Loony Lupin's cuckoo, You look like a wolfie, and you smell like one's poo!" Confetti rained down on Remus, for the third time that day.

"Sod off, Peeves!" he shouted, and ran full speed for the sanctuary of the library.

Unfortunately, he was so angry by the time he got there, that he was unable to absorb any of the material he was trying to study. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, because barely quarter of an hour had passed when a three-elf choir appeared and started belting out the song Remus had heard far too often that day. "Happy Birthday to you," they started enthusiastically.

Remus stood (and he was impressively tall, particularly to house-elves) and slammed his books down on the table. "I fucking HATE that song!" he shouted, as he shoved his things roughly back into his bag, and stomped off past the cowering house-elves.

Madam Pince, who had come over to discover the source of the ruckus, was so alarmed by Remus's profanity that she fainted, and was only saved from a very nasty bump on the head by the quick actions of the brave house-elves, who threw themselves under her to break her fall.

* * *

Peeves must have been waiting for him, and launched into his song almost immediately. Remus held his books over his head and ran for Gryffindor Tower, roaring, "Fuck you, Peeves!"

Remus was in such a towering rage when he got to the tower that the Fat Lady didn't dare ask for the password – she swung open immediately to let him pass. He stepped through the portrait hole and was instantly deluged in more confetti, and the entire common room hollered, "Happy Birthday Remus!" Then they burst into THAT SONG, and Remus burst into tears. He ran past their puzzled expressions and bolted up the stairs to the dormitory, where he threw himself onto his bed and sobbed hot, angry tears.

Moments later, Sirius dashed in. He sat on Remus's bed, deeply confused and concerned by his boyfriend's behavior. "Don't you like surprise parties, Moony?"

Remus snarled and sat up so fast it made Sirius jump. "No, I don't like surprise parties!" he screamed. "And I don't like house-elf choirs or poltergeist confetti, or wild speculations about my un-removable badge! People have been looking at me all day, and you know I'm self-conscious! You know I can't stand being the center of attention! Why in bloody hell did you do this to me?"

Sirius paled, and stammered, "M-m-moony, I'm sorry! I didn't think – I just got carried away – "

"You think you're so fucking clever, Sirius! You got carried away pulling idiotic birthday prank after birthday prank, with absolutely no regard for my feelings! And I thought you cared about me! I can see now how wrong I was!"

"No, Moony, please! Let me finish! I didn't intend any of that stuff as pranks. I do care about you – I thought you'd find all that stuff funny. I did get carried away, but only because your birthday is my very favorite day of the year…"

"Your very favorite…?" Remus stopped shouting and looked perplexed. "More than your own birthday?"

"Yes, Moony," said Sirius, encouraged now that Remus was actually listening to him, "more than my own birthday. Why would I care about the day I was born, if you had never been born? My life wouldn't have any meaning without you. I love you, Moony."

"You do?" Remus and Sirius had been shagging for a few months, but neither had used the "L-word" yet.

"Of course I do, you daft beast! Don't you know red tulips mean true love? Didn't you notice the chocolates came in a heart-shaped box? Don't you know that peacock feathers mean a lover that will always be true to his mate? Moony, I do love you, and I want to be yours forever!"

Unfortunately for Sirius, after this heartfelt proclamation, there ensued a long moment of silence. He feared he had said too much, or that his feelings were not mutual. However, this storyteller is happy to report that Remus was merely rendered speechless by the enormity of his emotions. Once his stunned brain recovered enough, Remus launched himself at Sirius and kissed him fiercely.

When they came up for air, words spilled out of the birthday boy. "I'm sorry, Padfoot! I'm so sorry I got so upset with you! The gifts are wonderful, they're perfect, and I love them. And I love you!"

* * *

The day ended on a happier note even than that on which it had begun. Everyone knows that make-up sex is the best, and before long, their clothes were in a heap on the floor, and the lovers were tangled on Remus's four-poster. Remus was filled to the brim – not just with Sirius's cock, but with love, too – as the two built toward new heights of ecstasy. For his part, Sirius was moved to song: "Happy birthday," he sang as he thrust into Remus's tight passage. "To you," he sang, as he pulled almost all the way out. "Happy birthday," pumping in… "To you," pumping out…

"Merlin, I love that song," sighed Remus, happily.

* * *

_A/N: Happy Birthday, also, to Passion and Love, whose birthday is March 13. ("Hmmm hm hmmmm hm hm hmmmm!")_

_ Read and review, please! My first real foray into Marauders-era fiction-writing. It was fun for me, and I sincerely hope it was fun for you. (I can guarantee it was good for Sirius and Remus.)_

_P.S. Added in earlyApril 2008: I am thrilled beyond belief to let you know that this story has been nominated for Quill to Parchment awards in several categories (best male slash, best humor fic, best one-shot, and best Marauder era), and my longer fic "Hermione Granger and the Sleepless Nights" was nominated for a few awards as well (best multiple partner, best mid-length fic, and best Trio era). If you liked this story, please go to awards (dot) quilltoparchment (dot) com and click on "Vote" to register your vote! Thanks for your support!_


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